What do I have?

I feel like I don't know myself. I used to think that I wanted to grow up and have a family. I always thought that I would go to college with an idea of the career I wanted to pursue. Here I am, a junior in high school, with no clue what I want to do with my life. No clue if I want to grow up and get married. No clue if I want to have kids or not.

When I used to picture my life as a child, I pictured myself being happy. I pictured having the best group of friends in the world and a supportive family. I planned to have my life figured out. My plan was to know what I wanted for myself. Instead I feel completely lost. Although I have one of the best friends I could ever ask for, I feel completely alone. I just feel like no one would understand how I really feel so I don't say anything. When I really think about it, even I don't understand how i'm feeling. How could anyone else understand if I can't even understand it myself?

I never expected that I would have a miserable time in middle school and then enter high school, expecting the best, only for things to get worse. Freshman and sophomore year were absolute hell for me. I had no one. There were people who pretended to be my friends, but none that actually truly cared for me. Junior year I joined dance team expecting to make friends. I thought maybe that would make me happy. You know what junior year has done to me thus far? It has absolutely ruined me. I do have friends now and I am truly thankful for that, but I can't make myself be happy. This year I fell in love for the first time and then he broke my heart. It has been over four months and I still can't let him go. I let myself date a different guy, that I didn't really care about, to get over the one I fell in love with. Well that was a bust. I really only hurt myself more. After that I let my guard down with a guy I was skeptical about and once again didn't really care about. He raped me. After that, how do I trust any guy? My life is a mess.

After being raped, I honestly don't know how to move on. I walk through the hallways at school, seeing the smiles on people's faces. I haven't truly smiled since it happened. I might crack a smile, but then I remember what happened to me and that smile flees quickly. I find myself avoiding eye contact with every guy I see because i'm afraid of the things they could do to me. I'm scared that this will happen to me again, so i'm avoiding every guy that talks to me. I'll pass someone who is wearing a similar cologne and I cringe. Someone brushes by me and that touch scares me to death. Every minute the thought crosses my mind that I could be pregnant. What would I do then? There's absolutely no way that I could afford a child, but how could I just get an abortion and pretend like it never happened. I always thought that I wanted to fall in love with a guy and have kids. Now I feel like I never want another guy in my life again. How could I trust someone and give them the chance to take advantage of me again. Maybe I don't want a husband and a family anymore? But if that isn't what I want, then what do I want? I have no career plans and now I have no life plans. What do I have? Where do I go from here?