Today I was raped.
I made plans to hangout with a guy I had been talking to. I maybe sensed that his intentions were not entirely right, but I decided that it was okay. I went anyways. I drove to meet him and we decided to go in his car. Once we were on our way, he mentioned that he was taking me to a hotel. At this point I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew he wanted to have sex with me. I made myself believe that it would be okay and that I wanted this.
When we got to the hotel and got into our room he started to kiss me and take off my clothes. Still I was telling myself that it would be okay and that I wanted this. When I asked him if he had protection he pretended like he forgot. This was the point when I wanted this all to stop. I pushed him back and told him that we couldn't have sex without protection. There was no way I was going to risk getting pregnant. He brushed it off like it was nothing and pushed me down. He then got on top of me and started to have sex with me. I no longer wanted this. I no longer believed that this was okay, but I didn't know how to stop him, so I just let him. I let him push me around. I let him hurt me. I told myself he would stop eventually.
He finally stopped. For a few minutes we sat there just talking. I didn't make a scene because I thought he was done and it was finally over. At this point, he started to get on top of me again. I told him no. I told him I didn't want to. I told him to stop. Each time I said it he would back off for a second, but then try to pursue me again. He wouldn't give up. Each time I told him no, he seemed to get more anxious and I was beginning to get scared. I didn't know what to do, so I stopped pushing him off of me. I just let him rape me. Once again I was telling myself that he would stop soon enough. This time he was being rough. I told him he was hurting me, but he just kept going. He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't listen to me.
When I got the chance to say something, I told him I had to go home. I got up and started to get dressed. Even as I was doing this he kept trying to pull me back into the bed. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to get out of there. I told him to get dressed and that I had to leave. We went downstairs, checked out, and he drove me back to where I had parked my car.
I walked to my car and sat there until he pulled away. This was the point that I really realized what had just happened. It hit me that it wasn't just sex. It was rape.
The first thing I did was to visit my friend at work. She works at a pizza place and the people there are pretty understanding. When I walked in, I asked for her and immediately began crying. I talked to her and two of the people who work there. They are like her family, so I didn't mind them knowing. They are some of the most caring, understanding people I have ever met and I am glad that I chose to go there. The one woman chose to tell me about her story as a child. She was molested as a young kid and has been in abusive relationships since. Honestly, she treated me like a daughter. She treated me better than my own mother ever has. If it weren't for her i'm not sure I would be okay right now.
I still feel his hands on my body, I still smell his cologne, I can still hear his voice in my ear calling me 'baby'. I can't escape it. As much as I want to forget it all, I can't. I'm too worried that i'll get pregnant. I'm worried that people will find out what he did to me. I don't know if I can do this. I need a way to escape it all. I need a way to forget that I was raped.
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