What do I have?

I feel like I don't know myself. I used to think that I wanted to grow up and have a family. I always thought that I would go to college with an idea of the career I wanted to pursue. Here I am, a junior in high school, with no clue what I want to do with my life. No clue if I want to grow up and get married. No clue if I want to have kids or not.

When I used to picture my life as a child, I pictured myself being happy. I pictured having the best group of friends in the world and a supportive family. I planned to have my life figured out. My plan was to know what I wanted for myself. Instead I feel completely lost. Although I have one of the best friends I could ever ask for, I feel completely alone. I just feel like no one would understand how I really feel so I don't say anything. When I really think about it, even I don't understand how i'm feeling. How could anyone else understand if I can't even understand it myself?

I never expected that I would have a miserable time in middle school and then enter high school, expecting the best, only for things to get worse. Freshman and sophomore year were absolute hell for me. I had no one. There were people who pretended to be my friends, but none that actually truly cared for me. Junior year I joined dance team expecting to make friends. I thought maybe that would make me happy. You know what junior year has done to me thus far? It has absolutely ruined me. I do have friends now and I am truly thankful for that, but I can't make myself be happy. This year I fell in love for the first time and then he broke my heart. It has been over four months and I still can't let him go. I let myself date a different guy, that I didn't really care about, to get over the one I fell in love with. Well that was a bust. I really only hurt myself more. After that I let my guard down with a guy I was skeptical about and once again didn't really care about. He raped me. After that, how do I trust any guy? My life is a mess.

After being raped, I honestly don't know how to move on. I walk through the hallways at school, seeing the smiles on people's faces. I haven't truly smiled since it happened. I might crack a smile, but then I remember what happened to me and that smile flees quickly. I find myself avoiding eye contact with every guy I see because i'm afraid of the things they could do to me. I'm scared that this will happen to me again, so i'm avoiding every guy that talks to me. I'll pass someone who is wearing a similar cologne and I cringe. Someone brushes by me and that touch scares me to death. Every minute the thought crosses my mind that I could be pregnant. What would I do then? There's absolutely no way that I could afford a child, but how could I just get an abortion and pretend like it never happened. I always thought that I wanted to fall in love with a guy and have kids. Now I feel like I never want another guy in my life again. How could I trust someone and give them the chance to take advantage of me again. Maybe I don't want a husband and a family anymore? But if that isn't what I want, then what do I want? I have no career plans and now I have no life plans. What do I have? Where do I go from here?

Worst Day of My Life.

Today I was raped.

I made plans to hangout with a guy I had been talking to. I maybe sensed that his intentions were not entirely right, but I decided that it was okay. I went anyways. I drove to meet him and we decided to go in his car. Once we were on our way, he mentioned that he was taking me to a hotel. At this point I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew he wanted to have sex with me. I made myself believe that it would be okay and that I wanted this.

When we got to the hotel and got into our room he started to kiss me and take off my clothes. Still I was telling myself that it would be okay and that I wanted this. When I asked him if he had protection he pretended like he forgot. This was the point when I wanted this all to stop. I pushed him back and told him that we couldn't have sex without protection. There was no way I was going to risk getting pregnant. He brushed it off like it was nothing and pushed me down. He then got on top of me and started to have sex with me. I no longer wanted this. I no longer believed that this was okay, but I didn't know how to stop him, so I just let him. I let him push me around. I let him hurt me. I told myself he would stop eventually.

He finally stopped. For a few minutes we sat there just talking. I didn't make a scene because I thought he was done and it was finally over. At this point, he started to get on top of me again. I told him no. I told him I didn't want to. I told him to stop. Each time I said it he would back off for a second, but then try to pursue me again. He wouldn't give up. Each time I told him no, he seemed to get more anxious and I was beginning to get scared. I didn't know what to do, so I stopped pushing him off of me. I just let him rape me. Once again I was telling myself that he would stop soon enough. This time he was being rough. I told him he was hurting me, but he just kept going. He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't listen to me.

When I got the chance to say something, I told him I had to go home. I got up and started to get dressed. Even as I was doing this he kept trying to pull me back into the bed. I couldn't do this anymore. I had to get out of there. I told him to get dressed and that I had to leave. We went downstairs, checked out, and he drove me back to where I had parked my car.

I walked to my car and sat there until he pulled away. This was the point that I really realized what had just happened. It hit me that it wasn't just sex. It was rape.

The first thing I did was to visit my friend at work. She works at a pizza place and the people there are pretty understanding. When I walked in, I asked for her and immediately began crying. I talked to her and two of the people who work there. They are like her family, so I didn't mind them knowing. They are some of the most caring, understanding people I have ever met and I am glad that I chose to go there. The one woman chose to tell me about her story as a child. She was molested as a young kid and has been in abusive relationships since. Honestly, she treated me like a daughter. She treated me better than my own mother ever has. If it weren't for her i'm not sure I would be okay right now.

I still feel his hands on my body, I still smell his cologne, I can still hear his voice in my ear calling me 'baby'. I can't escape it. As much as I want to forget it all, I can't. I'm too worried that i'll get pregnant. I'm worried that people will find out what he did to me. I don't know if I can do this. I need a way to escape it all. I need a way to forget that I was raped.

Lessons From Failed Relationships

In my last post I asked myself if meeting up with my ex was a mistake. I now have an answer. It was in no way a mistake. I'm glad that I was able to spend some time with him, but it really helped me to understand that he isn't the guy for me. When I was dating him I was happy and I know that I do truly love him, but he was there to teach me a lesson. In our relationship he always acted like a gentleman and from that I believed I learned what I deserve in a relationship. I deserve to be treated well. He always did make sure that he was a gentleman, but he just isn't for me. I would never regret being with him and I would never think badly of him in any way. I really do wish him the best. I hope that he finds a girl who is absolutely perfect for him. I know I wasn't that girl for him, but there is one out there. He deserves to be happy and absolutely in love with his perfect girl.

I believe that every failed relationship teaches us something that will benefit us in our next relationship. From my failed relationships I have learned what it means to really get to know someone, I have learned that I deserve a guy who wants to be with me more than anything, and I have learned to not let a guy use me. As much as it hurts to see a relationship end, it just means that there is someone better out there for you. Not everyone can find the person for them on the first try. Many have to learn a few lessons along the way before they can truly be happy in a relationship.

Was This A Mistake?

Tonight he texted me and invited me over to hangout. It wasn't fully his decision, he was pressured into it, but  he was still willing. To be completely honest, I was terrified. I had no clue what to expect, whether he actually wanted to see me, whether it would be weird or not. 

I showed up expecting the worst. I was expecting it to be a complete mistake. To be completely honest, it wasn't too bad, maybe a little awkward, but that was to be expected. One of our other friends was there and we basically just hung out and talked. 

Now i'm very confused as far as what i'm feeling. Now all I can wonder is, is this closure on our relationship or is this the start of a new friendship? I'm hoping that we are able to move on from the past and just be friends. I really do miss him as a friend, but i'm not sure if that will happen. Maybe we will just go back to covert glances at each other from across the room. I really thought I loved him, at one point I know I did, now I really have no clue what I feel. Maybe I still love him, maybe I just want him to be my friend. Overall I just keep asking myself, was seeing him tonight a mistake? 

Please say you do.

"Every time you smile I get butterflies. When you laugh I can't help but smile. When you hold my hand my heart soars. When you put your hand on my chest my heart skips a beat. Happy can't explain how I feel when i'm with you." 

When I first read this message from you i'm pretty sure I stared at my phone for about five minutes just smiling and reading it over and over again. I could not believe that I meant so much to you and I loved that you were able to tell me that. This was the moment I knew I loved you. 

I'm honestly just trying to figure out how you could say this to me and then change your mind. You acted like I meant so much and then one day it was just over. One day you showed up at my door and I knew exactly what you were going to say to me. I knew we were over. 

I told myself that I would be okay and that maybe I didn't really love you. I told my friends that we just weren't right for each other and they believed that. I told you that I understood your decision and that maybe we would be better off alone. I said all of these things, but not one of them did I truly believe. 

I believed that we could be perfect for each other if only we had tried to work it out. I believed that you were going to be the one I spent my life with. I believed that I would do absolutely anything for you. All of these, I still believe. 

I just wish I knew why you said all of those sweet things to me and then left me. Do you regret it? Do you miss me too? 

Please say you do. 

I still love you...

I still love you. I know I should be over you by now. I know that I should be able to move on from you. I just can't. 

You were everything to me. You still are. I constantly find myself wishing that you would show up at my door, asking me to take you back. Every text message I receive, I hope that it's from you. Before I answer every phone call, I can't help but wish it were you on the other end of the phone. I see you everyday and all I want to do is walk up to you and tell you how much I miss you. I almost do. But I don't.  

I just want to know if you miss me too. Somebody told me that you had said you did, but how can I believe that? I feel as if I messed up by moving on. The only reason I moved on to him was because I didn't want to be alone. I'm not even sure he meant anything to me. It only made me realize how much I missed you and how much I really love you. But I guess it's too late for that. I guess you really are done with me. I guess it's really time for me to be done with you too. The only thing is, I'm not sure how I do that. How do you give up on someone that you love?